And I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

Well this will be my last entry. Thanks for hanging in there through the rough parts. I wanted to blog my thoughts, spread smiles and my point of views around the world. Don't understand how it ended up in this darkness. Well it's not how it should be. I like to spread joy, not sorrow.

I wish you all a very happy 2009. May all your dreams be full filled and may happiness and love embrace you (it will only do this if you let it). Some of you have really helped me, for this I am very grateful. If you ever need me, just drop a comment or an email.

For me 2009 will be bright, and fun and just awesome, I can feel it. I'm gonna pop some chill-pills and just not take everything so gosh darn serious anymore. I hate when things are out of my control but 2008 I learnt that some things are just not up to me. I tried and tried but it's not up to me anymore. I just have to deal with that fact, and see the charm in being absolutely helpless (god this is gonna be hard).

Things happen for a reason and I do believe in faith and in many ways I also trust it. So bring it on. Whatever you have for me in 2009 I'm ready for it!

A little bit wiser, a little bit hotter, a lot smarter, ok lets be honest, everything has a lot in front of it.
The key words for 2009 go a lil' something like this: I will be careful but not let my self be bored...sounds good right?

Maybe we'll click in to one another again. Who knows....;).

bye bye amigos! Stay supreme!

I almost always have the same feeling when I leave Sweden, or am about to, "I must be f**king stupid". How can I leave these people? How can I tell my self that I have a better life there when I feel so content being close to them? What am I looking for? I'm not sure, but deep inside I know it has to be something. So, I have to go back. Next time down there I get all frustrated I made a album I can check to get the feeling I get when I'm with my family. I went down memory lane today and it was a lot of fun. I love my family and my friends. They make me who I am, and you know what??? I like who I am.... 

  

  

   

   

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Sat with the P's. My dad wanted to know about him, or more correctly my feelings towards him and if we still have contact etc. So I told him, we haven't had contact since a while back, but that nothing has  really changed.

My father almost started crying back in May when I told him that I was a secret to his family. He took that very personal. That his daughter was not good enough to tell the parents about, when to him a smart guy would want to tell the world. Like father like daughter, I guess it was in some ways the feeling I had.

Anyway, now he asked -so he is the love of your life?

I haven't really thought about it like that. I always saw the "love of your life" as the happy love, were both people feel the same, isn't it? It is scary to think that this was it. I hope it's not. Still I guess he is very much in my heart, I just know I can never go back to how he wanted it, cause it is not what I dream of and I deserve better even if he is the man I dream of I don't want to settle for anything less then a best friend and a partner, someone I'm not just sharing my life with but is sharing his life with me too.

I want a man that realises that women are more than just women. We can be their everything and that's what we should be!

Just found out nic will leave Berlin. I never thought he would do that. Not before me anyway. Sort of suxx.

Hope you all had a lovely christmas. I sure did. Never want to go back...or out. just stay in here in the house I grow up cuddeling with the little hairy muffin. That's life!

Yesterday I hooked up with the guy who invited me to his place last week. Remember the guy I got a bit scared of? I'm not scared anymore. He is just amazing!! From now on I'm gonna call him Mr perfect. He had a friend with him and also the evening all planned out for the three of us.

We started out in this drum'n'base joint in Mitte. I noticed I don't like drum'n'base very much. Shiteous would probably be my best description of it. The place was really cool/fun though. A bier costs 1,50€ and sparkling wine was apparently for free?? This in the city center!! Like imagine if their was a place like this on "Avenyn" or "Stureplan" in Sweden!! Would not happen. It had a very punky/house occupation flare to it. Like I said, funny.

Second stop was the kulturbrauerei and that was quite a shocker. My first time there and youth alcoholics and a sort of bad feel to it. Like the feeling when you where young and their was always some anger in the atmosphhere. Someone looking for trouble, drinking to much.

When we where waiting for this guy to come hook us up with VIP bracelets for the Paul van Dyk concert (I know!! I can't stop laughing even thinking about it) these two girls in the middle of the yard laid down on the ground and started making out in their tiny tops. It was freezing and therefore quite bizarre. Mr Perfect looked their way and his comment was:

-Oh my god, look at the guys over there watching. Could they lack more class or what?

He was honestly embarrassed over his own gender. I don't even think it was because of me. He just has this respect in him for others, for women and for himself. It made me like him even more.

Inside the concert hall I have never been so happy about having VIP braces. Basically it separated us from the "shaved steroid gorillas" and the "extensions/cake face females". You could say it was a zoo, and we were on the watching side. Safe.

After to much Paul van Dyk, we went to Weekend Club. Since Mr Perfect works their it was just ordering one after another not having to worry about any checks. Me and his very nice friend, who also works there had a lot to drink. Mr Perfect himself did not drink alkohol, since he was driving. We had some Vodka Cranberry and shots and we where so happy about the music. MINIMAL!! Damn your in my heart! But maybe after "Drum'n'shoot me in to space" and Paul van Dyk, freejazz would have been appealing?

Around 5:30 I was pretty beat, but the guys had not had enough. They persuaded me to go with them to Ritter Butzke in X-berg. It's these really cool parties that I have been to before. Mr Perfect wanted to check out a dj he might start booking trough his booking agency. I was so tired and hungry, didn't last very long. I kissed the boys good bye and went back home. Landed in my bed around 8 in the morning.

Today I learnt that the word testify presumably comes from the word testicle. Yes. no misspelling, T.E.S.T.I..C.L.E.. Linguistic researchers believe that the word comes from some cultures were, as a show of trust, the man shook balls (instead of hands). Like the Japanese bow to bare their neck for their opponent, in these cultures the greatest way of showing you trust another man would be letting him grab your balls and returning the favour by grabbing his. Quite a party.

It got me thinking (I've tried to stop, just couldn't 'elp it). Like the whole Adam and Eve complexity;  the women as the evil that cannot be trusted. A quite deep an usual accusation in our culture. Women are presumably more backstabbing, talk more behind your back are less straight forward etc. Maybe it has been like this, since back then? And the reason we could not be trusted  was cause we could not be put to the test. Because simply, we don't have any balls?? Is that where it all went wrong?? The ugliest piece on the male body is to blame for the rep of women?

I'm sorry. I've been Christmas shopping all day. Now my mind is just stuck in the great world of testicles....I need some dick...I mean sleep...gosh!

I went over to this boy's house on friday. This great boy whom I had already turned down ones and my friends have been tormenting me about "getting out there, meeting someone new". I guess they are tired of me. They have every right to be.

The boy made a feuerzangenbowle, it's a german christmas drink. You poor lots and lots of red wine in a big pot, add cinnamon and oranges, and put it all on the stove. Then you put this barbecue bars over the pot with a sugar pyramid on top of it that you continuously drain in Rom and put on fire, causing the Rom and sugar to drip into the red wine while the eyes are treated to a beautiful fire show. It tasted yummy. I seriously recommend it. We hung out in the kitchen and talked a lot.

Later we moved in to his room. We sat in his sofa, not alone, but next to one another. It was then obvious to me that I was not ready for "being out there", Cause I was actually scared that he would touch me.

I can't have that, I still work on my worth as not only a woman, but as a person. Getting close to a man right now in my mind is equal to letting my self be worthless and threated bad again, since apparently that was aIl I was good for. I guess he might have felt this, cause he was a perfect gentleman. Even sent me a message today asking if I want to go club hop with him the next weekend. I'm glad I went, but I also feel very confused again.

How much longer will I miss him? I keep telling myself that if it would have been important for him to keep me in his life I would still be in it, as a sort of mantra. That has to be true right? I try to stuff it in to my head. I was not special to him and he did not love me. It doesn't seem to help. Nothing seems to help. I feel lost without him.

I love this song from swedish artist Lykke Li.